So i slept with one of my best mates

Boohoo i made a mistake, like seriously i didn’t mean to it was just like there had been confusing feelings in the past and i had liked him and i was drunk and high and very like this is the best idea ever. Yes i have been singing okgo since in a kind of ‘dont worry’ frenzy to myself. SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIMMMMMEEEE.
Oh i love them.

But point is, i slept with him, i told the ex, he shouts at me and has a huge go even though he slept with someone else too and this shouldn’t bother him and i still want him back cause i reaaaaalllly love him and its shit oh my days.
I need help.
I want him back a lot, but its to late now, we discussed when we were together that if we broke up and i got with too many other people he just would not want me back at all, and its now hit that point which happens to be very upsetting.

So then my best mates ex gf is in the same place as me, she still loves him and cares about him a lot and spends a lot of time depressed over the fact that they are no longer together, so in a way, fair that shes mad at me, however she is making me out to be bitch of the century even though i really have not done anything wrong? They have been over for two months, like seriously, this should be the kick she needs. Argh im just really mad.

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Road to happiness

So things have been rough lately.
I saw my ex holding hands with this girl i absolutely hate, after they both said nothing was happening, i was absolutely raging. I walked straight blinded by anger almost straight into a car, then burst out crying.

I lit cigarette after cigarette trying to smoke away the pain but that image wont seem to leave my mind.

I cant deal with this shit.

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Love hurts

Im in love.
I know because i think about him every second of every day, i wonder what he’s dong, if he is ok, what he is feeling if he misses me.
I met him four years ago and in the first few words he spoke to me i could feel butterflies, overfilling emotions, numbness, happiness,
I am never happy. I always feel the dark cloak of depression around me just demolishing my view on every day life but it was as if he ripped it off in one smile
I love his voice, the flicks in his hair, he’s beautiful green eyes, perfect skin, little brown beauty spots, his smile, the way his teeth make his jaw look so defined and his voice, it makes me melt and just feel so safe. And when i saw him i loved him.
Every moment we spent together it was like i over thought every little detail, i would sit observing him, watching how he looked at me, the glances he would give me in school, the way he would kiss me and hold me and tell me how he never wants anything bad to hurt me or chase me or anything just everything, he cares about me,
He said he’d do anything for me, he told me not to be scared of the dark and he spoke his mind, things he wouldn’t tell anyone just flowed out, and so i began to open up to him and tell him things i would never even think to utter as the voices in my head say its unsafe to even speak of them,
I would cry in front of him, tell him i am crazy, and he’d just smile and promise me that I’m not.
He gave me anything i asked for, piggybacks through the summer breeze and kisses under covers,
He would plait my hair and love my body and make sure everything was always perfect for me.
When i had mental break downs he would ring me up and calm me down and tell me to think of happy things and i would right away think of being in his arms and cuddling him, my radiator. And no matter how much he hurt me i would never see it,

He would break my heart, and leave without saying goodbye and hide me from the world and say its all for the best but i would always believe its cause he loved me too
Did he even love me?
Was it all just a joke, a lie, did he just not want to hurt me.
He cares about me.

He isn’t mine any more and i want him back. I want him to turn around and say it is all a lie and he has always and will always love me.

But he wont

Im shaking even thinking of it, i can explain how heartbreak works, probably because i haven’t hit it yet.
Every time he tells me to move on its like a bullet through my fucking chest, like my whole world is shattering, but i just smile and try and get on with it.

What do you do when the only reason you are alive has left you.

Ys x

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DICKHEADBENDERIHATEYOU

I don’t even know what to say.
So i wrote my last post at like four in the morning last night when i was over my best mates house.

I got this text from my ex, we’re been over three weeks now after having been together for three years and the text read

firstly don’t get mad,
Secondly i do regret it
Thirdly it was alice
Fourthly she wasn’t as good as you

So at this point my best friend is passed out sleeping at the other side of the bed and i have to bite the pillow before i stand up and scream waking the entire fucking household
WHAT THE FUCK.
Ok so i slept with someone too, but i was drunk, and upset and argh.
So to explain about this bitch, she has fancied him for so long, i think i made a previous post about how she asked me out for coffee after college this one day after we hadn’t seen each other for a long time and didn’t really know each other and she told me to my face how she fancied my boyf, unaware we were together and went in to detail about how she had liked him for so long. I told her, i was like “yeeeeeahhhhhh we are together… Hrmmmmm… Cool story”
Raging on the inside, i texted him and we had a good laugh about it though.
So she understood i was really in love with him.. Am really in love with him.

So back to me raging and upset.
Reason numero deux- i was meant to be the one sleeping over this half term while his parents were away, we planned it for so long and i was so looking forward, and he even texted me last sunday like “oh wish you were here aha”
So he invites this bitch over, aware of my hate for her, and ugh,
I mean we aren’t together so he has free rein to do as he pleases.

I need feedback here really cause I’m not sure if i am in the wrong.
I have smoked so much tonight..

And so i vented my anger out and replied all like “oh hahah yeah cool, i slept with someone too, thats jokes”
And we both had some texting banter and i was all like, ok its over he does not actually care any more, i am FINE. He asked if the other guy was better, i said naaaah but he has a big cock 👍
And then i read through his texts that i had saved from when he was in france and smiled to myself and was like alright, i can be mates with him its all cool, he has stopped replying, probably cause it is really late and he is asleep, ok ill text him tomorrow…

So this morning i send a few texts to him and he doesn’t reply…
I rang people and had a laugh at how he’d slept with that girl and said I’m totally fine and the thought of getting with him now repulses me so happy days

And then i get this text

whats up with me ignoring you is that as much as i say i don’t care, and its not so much the fact you had sex with someone its how you went on and i really didnt need to know how big his cock was or that your looking forward to tapping other guys, and honestly i got so angry i threw my phone out the door and cut myself and all i ever do is try to make people feel good about themselves and i compliment people but god sees fit to torment and bully me and i dont know what to do and i don’t want to talk to you, i hope that sums things up, goodnight.

So my initial reaction i send like a million sorrys, burst into tears and write goodbye notes as i head out the door smoking like a billion fags about to jump off this bridge when i think
Wait
No
Nonono HELL NO
Why am i sorry, i didn’t not “go on” about it i hardly said anything,
Im so in love with him thats it fucking tore me apart to know that he jumped into bed with the first girl he got his hands on
I love him so so so so much and for him to say that and me to react calmly and jokingly, i do not even understand what he wants I DONT GET MEN

Ys x

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Speechless

I feel like I don’t know what to think any more, its like the person I’ve obsessed over for so long has just slept with someone else. I think it was a taste for him, after a long term relationship people often think ‘ah if I wasn’t in this damn relationship I would be raking in the sex’ and so the end it, get out of it, always hurting each other, its so messy, and then the leaver will go sleep with the first person who will have him and then he’s like
Shit. I have lost the best thing that has happened to me, and she still loves me, but I told her to move on.
And that’s what I’m saying. It’s too late, I’ve realized that it didn’t actually effect me at all. I don’t care that you’ve done this, I did care that you’d left but now I want to find someone else and love them and leave scratches on their skin for us to laugh at and pictures to smile at. I am so confused right now. Its like my life has paused and its waiting for me to bring it to a dramatic close, finish, like bamn.

Maybe I will

He is not even worth my thoughts

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How I’m Feeling

I haven’t posted in a while. I have been busy and all that. I was going to post last Sunday, the day after driving two hours to see my friend in Sligo who was back in the country for a few days, then driving back and going to a 21st that night.

I never made it to the 21st. On the way there, with two friends in my car, another car hit us and spun us off the road. Everyone is ok, the person in the other car was fine. My first reaction was to check my body, make sure I was ok and to say “It’s ok. We’re ok”. I then helped my friends out of the car and all of the usual ambulance and gaurds thing started.

It has taken me the last few days to feel back to any way normal.
Oh, and I got offered that Intern-ship in China. Yay! That is awesome, but I couldn’t even think about that until about yesterday.

I have a lot of things going on in my head.

I don’t want to seem as though I am trying to guilt my sister, but I guess this is where I can talk about things too and I want to be honest.

I feel:

  • Grateful and so, so lucky that no-one was badly injured in my crash
  • Like shit because, in a crash, you tense up and it takes days to relax
  • Worried for my sister. I know she’s going through a lot, and I don’t know how to help her. I am trying my best but I don’t know what to do or if what I’m saying is actually helping. I keep trying to tell her it’ll be ok, and that she should talk to her counsellor and all that. I think (or HOPE) it will help her. But I don’t know. And so I worry. I know that depression is a medical condition, and needs treatment like any other medical condition. All I can do is support her and talk to her but I’m not trained, I’m not a professional
  • Selfish because I just want my sister to be ok and to feel better because I can’t stand the thought of loosing her
  • Guilty, because (apart from the crash) things with me are good. I have been offered this amazing job and if I take it, I will be further away from her and might not be able to help her if she really needs it
  • Helpless. Though I get down from time to time, I have no idea what it is like to have depression and so I can’t tell my sister that it will be ok and that she will come through this. And I want to respect her confidence, of course I do. But if something happens, will I feel bad for the rest of my life because I could have saved her by just telling someone?
  • Like an idiot. I don’t know what to do. I wish I did, I really do. I wish I knew how to help her, how to make her feel better.

So there you go. That’s what I’m feeling. I’m trying to think about this job because I have wanted it for so SO long. I have all this contract material to read through before tomorrow, and I am trying but I guess I’m distracted.

I wonder if I should go.

I don’t know.

I have been staring at the cursor for about 5 minutes trying to think of a better ending for this, but I couldn’t.

I guess I’ll end it there.

OS x

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Suicide

1/10/2013-2/10/13

19:04
So far I’ve taken 3 stemetil i think its called and two paracetamol. This was possibly the shittest day of my life.
To explain, I got dumped.
I got dumped by a boy that i am so in love with that it feels like my whole world has stopped spinning and there is a pain in my heart that just will not go away. I cant tell my mum, i just cant even bring the words to my lips to tell her without bursting into tears and salivating mushy sounds instead of speaking.
I’ve been off college for a week with glandular fever and so i only went in today to see him really because its been a week and i miss him a lot and he was acting very blunt with me last night. He made a tweet saying “going mad” and wouldn’t explain to me what it was about which is the strangest thing because usually tells me every little detail about everything, then today i see him and walk up to him and he’s crying, he’s not speaking, he’s just walking and sort of indicating for me to follow. So i say ” oh god you’re not dumping me are you”
He cried and said “its not the same”
Thats it.
I started laughing, probably because my emotions are so fucked up that my brain didnt know what to do so i got into hysterics and wiped the tears from his eyes and just kept telling him we are not braking up and not to be stupid but he just tells me i need to take him seriously. I cant. I couldn’t. He couldn’t even look at me.
19:17
Six stemi-whatevers and three paracetamol.
I needed to get get some water cause i feel very ill.
I begin to walk away from him but i turn around and see him standing there in tears watching me walk away and i run back to him.
So he says all this, and i start crying, no tears coming out cause i just was in shock i think, and i hug him, and we stand hugging and he gives me his phone so i can ring someone, he says he’s told my two best friends already so they know to keep an eye on me.
Cunt.
So he walks me back to college and i start in absolute fits of tears the moment i turn around to glance at him again, we catch eye contact and both cry even more. I see my friends and i just wLk up to him once more, he wipes the mascara from under my eyes and we do a little nose kiss because i cant kiss with this fucking fever.
19:21
Seven tablets.
I must be way over the limit by now so i really hope i fucking die.
I don’t want to live. I hate life its shit, he was one of the only things i cared about apart from my family, that excludes my cunt of a dad.
So as i walk around college sobbing my eyes out every stops me to ask if I’m okay. Of coarse i am fucking not. Do i look i. What the fuck. But i just cry more, so some of my friends J al meg Anna take me away as everyones ringing me and trying to talk to me and we walk down to the town and get pizza. I saw some building guys smoking so walked over and asked for a cigarette and sat talking to them and explaining what had happened and the comforted me pretty well to be honest. My phones going mad ringing at is point cause ive walked away from the people i was with. They all hunt me down and i say bye to the builder guys.
19:25
9 tablets cause i really want to make sure this works.
I miss him. I love him.
Anyway so i walked into maths as i had three lessons left and said i seriously need to guy home, to which my maths teacher sim replies “you do look like shit, ok, i will let someone know, go home and get some rest.”
So i walk out of college and meg follows not wanting me to be alone and we get the train home, and at this point i have ran out of tears. I cant cry anymore so i think, I’m just going to put a smile on my face here. “I feel better” i say, unable to feel my mouth for some reason its crazy numb. So i went to my best friends college and before she asks if im okay i just start laughing and joking and put make up on so i look less cry-e.

i am fine- i keep repeating

19:38
Pill number ten, just to even it out here.
I just told mum and she swore at me a lot and now shes calling me an ambulance, fuck i wish i was dead now so i didn’t have to watch her panic. I don’t like seeing her sad. Fuck this.
She’s given me a drink and shes put in the hall so I’m popping on more paracetamol.

21:03
So i just had an ambulance ride, it was quite fun and interesting, i feel dizzy but i think I’m going to be fine annoyingly, i should of taken more,i ought i was way over but apparently i am just on the line, tipping into the danger side. I told my boyf, well ex, he’s shitting himself but he’s being so blunt its just making me want to die more and now mum wont even give me eye contact, i think she’s just worried.
So they’re measuring me and taking blood whatever the worst point is i fee better. I don’t reel like i am dying now, i did earlier, now i just have that feeling after you’ve thrown up a lot and this lady is just talking to me about what counselling i need

1:45
Just got discharged and home. Im tired b i cant sleep cause the darkness is scaring me and i want to be dead. Mums monitoring me. My body really fucking hurts. My heart hurts most. I want my boyfriend here now.

11:26
So i am writhing this because well several reasons really,
One. I lost my shit last night
Two. My mood appears to be changing rapidly
Three. Right now i both feel and look like shit

11:28
So i got told i have to go back to counselling and my doctor and my mother both want me on crazy pills. Fuck them. Fuck everyone. I want to be dead. I hate this. My boyfriend said if someone wants to die enough, nothing will stop them but i bloody wanted to and still do, i just cant.

Im still shaking. Have been since yesterday
I feel sick
I miss him
I hate life
I am not going on fucking meds i don’t need them
need them

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COLLEGE IS FUCK

So, dramatic title for a dramatic week. I felt that was appropriate

So as a quick side note, sis i am to jealous and i hope the chine ing goes amazingly, and you will follow through on it, ok? YOU WILL. I very much wish to visit you in china and I’m going to hong kong this summer as you may remember i told you, so i have a taste of how excited you may be!

So omg where to start on this…
warning this will most likely be the longest post like ever, but i promise it is hilair. omg me and my made up words..is hilair made up?

ANYWAY
So i started college last monday, being like the 9th or 11th, i don’t remember but around then, and i walked in only to notice that 1. My teacher is my football coach 2. I am the only person in tutor who doesn’t take pe (physical education) and 3. This guy, lets call him j, that i used to know (gotye song may be in your head now-sorry!) is in my freaking tutor?!

Ok so ill explain, j is basically this guy i met on an induction day at another college and we really hit it off and laughed and such and really liked each other then he asked for my number or a quick shag and i politely declined both as i quote “i am technically engaged”. So we both said fate will make us meet if we are meant to be! And so i walk in and he is sat there and he says “wagwan” …- ok so i have a real problem with this. I hate jock boys. I hate them a lot, they annoy the fuck out of me because all they seem to talk about is getting laid, and its like omg you don’t even realise what your doing- they make these innocent girls into sluts then call them sluts and omg. That annoys me SO MUCH. Right anyway so he is one of these guys that used to be a lad at his school however here at college he has no power as no one from him school went here so he spent his morning following me around like a lost puppy.
So ok to continue, my law teacher i met first and he is the gayest man you will ever meet. He gave me a yellow sheet and described it as fetching as it goes with my yellow top, so he reminds me of the gay guy off family guy, he had this soft voice that like cuddles you as he speaks and you are just thinking omg i want to throw my cat in the bin and adopt you instead! Maybe thats why cat bin lady did that..
So i adore law, its real fun and interesting and we learned about this case were a lady killed a man by sex… I found it interesting and no i am notbgoing to link to that! You google it. 😉
So then my stats teacher is a BITCH. she sounds like that evil pink lady who took over hogwarts in one of the harry potters, the one that made harry like bleed, but she sounds like she breathes helium instead of oxygen. My gosh i hate her.

So i know a ridiculous amount of people, when i walk around campus a lot of people are like “omg! Its you! Remember me?” And i have no idea but i always go along with it.. Out of politeness..
There is actually too many people. The college has its groups pretty clearly set out into clichéd groups; all the stones hang out in this think called the cage which is this tracked off little part of the field that is the only place you can smoke on campus and it is absolutely flowing with people on monday mornings, then your geeks who all hang out in varley cafe as everyone else says going there is ‘social suicide’ but they do pretty good coffee and i have made a few friends in there cause i don’t care what people think too much, then your jocks-as in the rugby lads sit at the top of the stairs on these cool benches outside the cafeteria and everyone else will be either at some lunch activity, in town for their free or sat around on the field somewhere. So for people who know me, they’ll know that id spend the majority of my time n the cage with my darling boyfriend or running round campus to see various people i promised i would talk to..

So i have actually been in with glandular fever and i am particularly overpacked with assignments my teachers have thrown at me, despite me drowning in my own saliva and mucus. So with this crap it means i cant kiss my boyfriend for a month, no drinking, smoking, drugs.. So this leaves me stuck in college wondering what to do with my frees.

So right theres my little description of college life now-i promised a story! So i was on about J, that boy in my tutor, and how my boyfriend is insanely threatened by him, so i got so fed up as on my first week i had hardly seen my darling boyfriend and he had promised to see me, so i thought fuck it. You know, J is offering to spend time with me and walk to lessons and he let me copy his homework, so i accepted his offer of lunch and turned off my phone. So i met J after lunch and he said we were off to meet his friend Rhi and then we could go do something. So on the way he was describing how he hardly really knew Rhi, she was apparently quite the bitch-whore, then the moment he sees her its like “hhhhhheeeeyyy, ah its so nice to see you!”, he basically turned into a bitchy teenage girl. So as the three of us tot along the conversation went to shit, all three of us had nothing in common and she was not the most conversational person, as in id ask a question and she would respond bluntly, cutting off possible conversation, so after a while i thought fuck it and said without realising i was talking out loud “fuck ii wish i was high.”

fucking brill idea! You got some ent you- says J

Right so i had promised just about everyone i new that i would not get high in college. I would focus, and not turn into your typical stoner, however this situation was killing me and Rhi had gone on like she was a weed expert in what seemed like a vain attempt to woo J, so i responded, fuck knows why as i had my boyfriends on me only and i was under strict instructions not to have this- but it was a blend of jealousy that j actually liked this whore, anger at my boyf and just plain boredom that i agreed to it and before i had even responded i realised a spliff had already been made and we sat at a bus shelter toking it. So this was strrrroing stuff, as in it hit in within ten minutes and none of us had spoke for half an hour despite it feeling like two minutes, and me and j were stood beaming at eachother.i felt fucking great, i think that was a great decision and i whacked on some of the xx finest songs on my ipad and was buzzing and feeling great as i turned to walk back to college when Rhi shouts stop and falls to the floor. Now this girl had obviously never had drugs in her life and was struggling to cope with such a strong dose on her first dose so we had to help. More like I had to help really as J seemed completley off his nut high, so i helped her up and to,d her we could go get food, gave her a smoke let her have a few tokes and we headed back to college. So then i got about ten calls from people i was meant to see, most of these consisted of them asking where i was and me giving the honest truth by saying “i don’t know where i am” as my brain was unable to function in its high state. I had promised i wouldn’t go into the cage and my friends had just assumed that i was lying about being in the cage and so they were getting increasingly mad and my boyfriend, whom i had promised i wouldnt get high but had been ingnoring his calls, was once again ringing me, so that was it, i said, fuck sake i have to go see him j. So theres me and j, red eyed, giggling, both supporting rhi (as in helping her stand up), all three of us trecking across college, avoiding teachers. As we were halfway across campus we spotted the scent of food in the air, a very attractive scent to stoners, so we ran to the source and bought like ten quid worth of food before realising we were in varley cafe. So people had seen us come in and sit down and so many people had started to come in too. So unaware of this i insisted we needed to leave rhi at her bus stop and i needed to see the boyfriend and try explain.

We finally reached the smokers corner of campus only for me to spot my boyfriend and i stood bracing myself for him to get mad…
He walks over
“Hhhhiiiiiigggggggghhh. That what i am.” He giggles..
“Me too:D” i reply, as we then stand cuddling for the next twenty minutes till drama.

So there we go. This is why being high is good, we made varley cafe an okay social place, had fun, and just good day.

Anyway, ok two daw drawbacks was a fucked off rhi ringing us screaming and asking why we did that too her and my gurls walked over and were mad that i was in the cage..
Oh well… Funny stuffffff.

End of day
YS x

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I hope this is the start of something

Ok, firstly, love the shotgun reference sis 🙂 And yes, you got the rules right.

So m’sister! Tomorrow will be a big day for me. Tomorrow I am going to be booking my place on an internship that will see me teaching English in China.

This is kinda massive, for a very good reason. I am one of those people who makes plans upon plans upon plans and has big ideas of what to do with their life. The problem? I make it so far with my plan and then bail out before I can follow through. For example, I was originally meant to go and do the whole TEFL thing back in 2010 when I finished my TEFL Cert. I spent every day for a month travelling up and down to Dublin to take the classes, put hours and hours into the course work and then, once I had my certificate in my hands? I told myself I needed some experience before I could go and teach abroad. Then I put it off for three years.

I think I do that because I’m worried. Worried I will fail. With the TEFL, I think I was worried I may not like teaching English, or worse – that I love it and suck at it. I worried I would get there and feel more alone than I have ever felt. But I have nothing holding me back at the moment – no kids or house or spouse to worry about. And I have wanted to go to China for as long as I can remember, since I was a little girl.

So I am MAKING myself do it this time. If I sign up for it, if I put my name down then I can’t back out. Also, I have told a LOT of people that I am going to do this and told them to pester me until I actually make a move in the right direction.

At the very least, I will discover this is not for me. This internship is only for a few months anyway, so if I don’t enjoy it then I can just come home again.
And, at the very best? I love it and you, sis, get to visit me in China 🙂 x

Love,
OS x

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SHOTGUN

My dearest sis,
This vine will make you giggle

Basically, my sis can drive, (i will be able to soon!yayy) but beacuse she OWNS HER OWN CAR she has shotgun rules, and yes she does make sure they apply.

Now sis if you read this i would appreciate the input of your rules, but the gist is-you have to see the car to call shotgun and you have to call it before every journey, so if you step out of the car, your p,ace is up for grabs.

So me and my cousin always have this thing to get shotgun.
I hate now having shotgun.

Bfn 😉
YS x

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